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Wolf Girl

August 2011

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Aug. 29th, 2011

Wolf Girl

Floating

This weekend was a very busy and exausting one. There was a lot of fun but much of the experince has been over shawdowed by the fact that Sunday night/Monday morning at 2am Jason broke things off with me. It was kind of unexpected for how the weekend went, over all, but he had been moving that direction for the past month. And I guess I should have known better. 

Now I'm living with a man that it hurts to be in the same room with and we have a lease that goes till April or I pay a ton of money to move. And I don't have a job.

I want this to not be permanenet. But in order to continue to live I need to move on and not look back or I will just get filled with hate and resentment. That will make our living situation that much more "uncomforatble."

I am no longer his consort and I will not play in the SCA for some time as I can not bare the thought of having to see him with other women. Just knowing of the three that took my place over the last month makes it difficult for me to want to even be seen at my own event. Neither of them will be there but lots of people know about them. I feel like such a fool. 

So my job ends on September 9th, My event is September 23rd to 25th. I want to go back to school or do something to take my mind off the pain of my failed relationships. But that looks increasingly intimidating and unlikly and so here I sit.

A piece of drift wood at sea. Subject to the whimes of the tide and broken. 

Jul. 19th, 2011

Wolf Girl

Break-through

 Yesterday work was long and boring and hard to stay awake. I am so grateful that Johanna made a point of emailing me about archery practice this week. I look forward to it, as it breaks up the boredom of my week and is giving me something to do in the SCA that I feel like I really enjoy and can help me find my niche. Lady Johanna you're a godsend and a sweet heart thank you for all you do!!

On another note. I was almost two hours late getting home after Jason had taken time to make dinner. It was the most incredible meatloaf I've had in years. But I ruined the special treat by blowing my projected arrival time by way too much. Now I know you are probably saying what's the big deal its only meatloaf. But its not just meatloaf. It was my apparent inability to understand the best way to show Jason I love and appreciate him. I've been beating my head against a wall for months now trying to figure out how to do this in a way that he receives it. Saying I love you in Japanese to someone that doesn't speak Japanese is all but useless. I have learned that words of encouragement while works wonders for some is just merely words to him. 

My new goal is to find ways to say I love you with my actions. And most importantly when its in the form of an apology or trying to set something strait. It just isn't the first thing that comes to mind. I have always been one that wants to talk it out and use my words to make that communication. I feel I made a break through last night in how to smooth things over with him but I fear that it may be too late. Please don't let it be too late. And God give me the strength and courage to not fear doing the wrong thing but to just jump in there and do something. 
 
Lately Jason has been increasingly annoyed with the fact that I have let fear keep me from doing anything with my life. Which has ironically had the reverse effect and added to my fear and insecurities. I am at the breaking point. I need to do something and I need to be able to do it without poking and prodding or it wont be worth a damn. 

Jul. 15th, 2011

Wolf Girl

Sleep Deprived

Last night I did something that my body and age are fast becoming unable to pull off anymore. I went to the midnight showing of the last Harry Potter movie. I took my cousin Angela and spent the evening with her and a handful of friends. It was fine but I think that is the last time I'll do that. It was fun but I could have enjoyed doing that just as much with the same group of friends in two weeks at 8pm instead. Less crowds and teen BO to have to wade through. Oh well.

I am still tired and a bit stressed over work but Betty sat down with me and we talked through the details of what I've been asked to do. She helped narrow it into perspective. It doesn't feel so overwhelming any more. She has a gift for taking the vague generalities that our boss throws out into the wind and is able to catch and piece together just the basics of what  I need to do. I need to learn to filter like that. It's amazing. 

My brain is slowing to cave man capacity. Too tired to think or feel. I am going to see if I can go home early today so I can get a nap in before Jason gets home from work. 

I slept on the couch in the break room at work. I miss my bed and my man.... Good night 

Mar. 28th, 2010

Wolf Girl

(no subject)

These last several months I am learning how to take care of myself first. It isn't my nature to do that so I often find myself committing to do things with friends because they want to hang out with me. That is nice and I am glad for that however.... I often find myself getting so burned out from always doing stuff with them that there is nothing left of me.

So if you have found yourself over the last few months the victim of me canceling plans on you please bare with me as I am learning to think first of what I need and then make room for the rest. It just sometimes ends up getting all switched around because I didn't slow down enough to think through what I need first before jumping head long into doing more things for and with other people.

And now with a new job that demands even more of me, I am not as able to do the things that I was once able to do before. So now is the time to relearn where my boundaries are.

Mar. 18th, 2010

Wolf Girl

from my phone?!

i have been thinking about posting something here for some time now. i'm excited to have found a Droid app for livejournal.

Feb. 14th, 2010

Leopard Queen

time

 Today I had a lot of time to rest, sit, veg, and do absolutely nothing. I have nearly watched all of season 5 of SGA, I finally watched the first two episodes of Skins season 2 and I am strangely addicted to that show. I am waiting for it to wear off but it doesn't seem to want to. So then I ventured out to more new things. I watched the first Episode of Torchwood cuz I was curious. It looks potentially interesting, but the verdict is still out on that one. Then I also watched the first episode of what I think is the New Doctor Who T.V. show. I fell almost instantly for "The Doctor" he reminds me a lot of an old friend named Tony. I have no idea where in life that man ended up but he left a huge impression on my during that year of my life. The first man to ever tell me honestly how much he loved me. It was so sweet and straight forward. He took my breath away at how passionate and honestly he love to live life. 

Where are you Tony? What happened to you over the last 13 years?